We’re constantly bombarded with choice or shall I say overwhelmed by it – be it deciding what to eat, what to wear, reading endless Amazon reviews before deciding what product to buy or my top favourite watching 1 hour of trailers before deciding what movie to watch next – I actually almost burned the flat down once when I forgot I had dinner in the oven, I was too busy flicking through trailers! 

On a serious note, these actions deplete our energy and they are not even the hard choices…imagine what happens then! To make good decisions you need both good prediction and good judgement. The process of decision-making is involved in several parts of the brain, one of them being the frontal lobe which is involved in planning, reasoning, and judgement- in short, weighing the pros and cons. When it comes to hard decisions, most people tend to be risk averse and avoid conflict for as long as possible.

So why is this happening?

According to an article from Harvard Business School: “…20 years of research conducted by Columbia University’s Tory Higgins, it might be more accurate to say that some of us are particularly risk-averse, not because we are neurotic, paranoid, or even lacking in self-confidence, but because we tend to see our goals as opportunities to maintain the status quo and keep things running smoothly.” 

The rest of us, who decide to deal with conflict, see our goals as opportunities to make progress. As such, you end up better off, because you’re not particularly averse to risky choices when you hold the potential for rich gains.

Furthermore, according to Leon Festinger’s (1957), we have an inner drive to maintain balance between our attitudes and behaviour and this phenomena is called “Cognitive Dissonance”. During the decision-making process, we often feel the balance is broken, and we may experience a feeling of psychological discomfort which implies we must either alter something in order to provide harmony again, or avoid dealing with certain situations, which may lead to Cognitive Dissonance.

If you’re someone who struggles with decision making or you generally want to become better at managing the hard choices in your life, here are a few tips that can help you become better at decision making and reduce the discrepancy between actions and emotions.

1. Beware of cognitive biases

In other words, be less certain. More often than not, we base our decisions, at least partly, on emotion; the process of decision-making involves the amygdala which deals with emotions, and the hippocampus that deals with memory. Decision-making is seen as a link between memory of the past and future actions and it is closely linked with learning and memory. (Fellows, L. K. (2016). The Neuroscience of Human Decision-Making Through the Lens of Learning and Memory. In Behavioral Neuroscience of Learning and Memory (pp. 231-251). Springer, Cham.)

Generally speaking it is a lot harder to look at your particular issue through a rational filter so we unknowingly use irrational lines of thinking—also known as heuristics—to justify our decisions; which prevents us from investigating our options as fully. These mental shortcuts not only short circuit our objective thinking, but give us false confidence in our bad choices, as Daniel Kahneman writes in his book Thinking Fast and Slow.

We are often confident even when we are wrong, and an objective observer is more likely to detect our errors than we are

According to Kahneman, overconfidence hinders our ability to make better decisions and based on my own experience, I know this to be very true.

So next time you’re faced with having to make a hard decision and you’re confident you know the answer, a good practice would be to go through various outcomes and perhaps come up with different solutions aka contingency plan in case your desired outcome might not come to fruition.

Talking about cognitive biases, I absolutely love the guys from My Cognitive Bias. They’ve created a Chrome extension that once added to your browser will give you different biases explained and with a source to either of the scientific explanation, which is really cool. To give you an example, Zero-sum thinking is:

a cognitive bias that describes when an individual thinks that one situation is like a zero-sum game, where one person’s gain would be another’s loss.

My favourite bias has to be the “Spotlight effect“ – I am sure you’ll relate to it – is the phenomenon in which people tend to believe they are being noticed more than they really are. Being that one is constantly in the centre of one’s own world, an accurate evaluation of how much one is noticed by others is uncommon.

2. Put options on par 

According to Ruth Chang, a professor of philosophy at Rutgers University, when we commit to two good options, every possible decision will likely result in a satisfying outcome. 

In her TED Talk, Chang encourages people to “put their choices on a par,” meaning that in the presence of good options, we should weigh each outcome equally and focus on what we’ll gain instead of what we could lose.

When we face hard choices, we shouldn’t beat our head against a wall trying to figure out which alternative is better. There is no best alternative. Instead of looking for reasons out there, we should be looking for reasons in here: Who am I to be? You might decide to be a pink sock-wearing, cereal-loving, country-living banker, and I might decide to be a black sock-wearing, urban, donut-loving artist. What we do in hard choices is very much up to each of us

Most often than not we tend to over-analyse the pros and cons and as a result we’re left paralysed by indecision. It’s sometimes easy to forget that these difficult choices can provide us the exact opportunities we might crave. 

Easy choices, hard life; hard choices, easy life – Jerzy Gregorek

I came across this quote in a Tim Ferriss podcast and it really resonated with me. Based on my own life, I knew that when I was forced to make a hard choice, although in the moment it felt horrible, and you go through a thought process where you weigh the pros and cons, not to mention the emotional rollercoaster, what usually follows next is a great sense of relief. And the exact opposite is true for when we take the easy route and avoid dealing with conflict or we avoid taking responsibility for certain aspects in our lives. When you choose to hide from conflict, be it at work or in your personal life or choose the easy option you will end up being dissatisfied.

Chang goes on saying if there’s always a best alternative, “then that’s the one you should choose, because part of being rational is doing the better thing rather than the worse thing, choosing what you have most reason to choose.”

When you’re implementing these tips and making choices, take a second to embrace the uncertainty, too. That’s the beauty of life. Plus, consider for a second that most times we kid ourselves into thinking that we have certainty in our current situation. In reality, that’s a false certainty created by us being in our comfort zone.

3. Eliminate as many choices as possible

As Jeff Haden puts it The motivation myth, the fewer choices you’re forced to make the smarter the choice you make when you need to make a decision. This is because your brain will be free from the minutiae of hundreds of decision and you’ll free-up space for the ones that really matter. Researchers from Cornell University estimate the average adult makes around 35,000 conscious decisions each day, more than 221 on food alone! (Wansink and Sobal, 2007)

Based on this information, it’s no surprise that by the time it gets to making hard decisions we can become impulsive, even reckless as we’ve wasted most of our energy on unimportant decisions. Typically the fewer choices we are forced to make, the smarter the choices we can make when it comes to something important.

It’s also a good idea to use the first part of your day to make important decisions and tackle the hardest issue first. By doing that, chances are, you’ll approach your most consequential decisions with all the your cognitive resources that they deserve.

Remember the choice is yours

We often get sucked into a whirlwind of emotions when it comes to hard decision but ultimately what you need to remember is that the choice is yours and there’s a lot of freedom in that. We often might forget how lucky we are to be able to choose, a lot of people might not have this privilege.

Owning your choices and the outcomes they generate is one of the ways we can have some type of control in our lives.

So next time you’re faced with a decision that might seem hard, remember to be brave enough to own that decision rather than shying away from it in the hope the outside world will make it for you 😉

Author: ionela spinu

Photo credit: Vladislav Babienko on Unsplash

For the past few months I’ve been contemplating the implications of internal conflict and the toll it can take on one’s life. It occurred to me that most times it’s easier to focus on the negatives instead of focusing on the positives or at least try to filter everything through logic. Of course, the latter is easier said than done. At the end of the day, we’re humans and that’s what humans do, right? Well…not necessarily. There are pros and cons for both negative and positive thinking and the good news is that with some simple but effective techniques we can train our brain to look at situations from a different perspective. 

So why is it easier to think negatively?

For the same reason we’re more likely to remember insults rather than compliments, and why most of us are drawn to read murder news rather than sports news, for example. During my undergrad, my Criminology modules’ lecturer always used to say: “If it bleeds, it leads” – meaning that the more horrendous a story is, the more interested people will be in reading it. For all of these, there’s a simple biological explanation: our brains’ negative bias towards directing our attention to emotional stimuli. Our brain is not designed to make us happy, but to make sure we are safe, by easily detecting threat, and responding to it. That is why we’re wired to be more sensitive to negative information. John Cacioppo conducted a study back in 2005 and found that people’s electrical activity was much greater when participants were presented pictures that are linked with negative feelings (a mutilated face or a dead cat, not to sound too morbid), compared to when they were presented with positive feelings pictures (pizza, Ferrari), or neutral feelings (plate).

What happens in our brain and which processes control emotional attention?

The control of our attention to emotional information is influenced by biasing signals that shift our attention from one stimulus to another which is controlled by the amygdala-based system. Furthermore, the anterior cingulate cortex and the lateral prefrontal cortex controls whether the attention is maintained or not on a particular stimulus, subsequently detecting and resolving processing conflict. (Bishop, Duncan, Brett, & Lawrence, 2004; MacDonald, Cohen, Stenger, & Carter, 2000)

So, what does this mean for us and how will it affect our day to day lives? Many of us are probably familiar with the saying “Is the glass half empty or half full?”, and depending on how you see the glass, you are either a pessimist or an optimist. But actually there’s a good and bad side to both of them! Therefore, the key is to find the right balance for you and take action. 

In my research, I have identified three key steps that can enable you to find the balance between the two. Before I do this, it is important to understand that changing our brain patterns always takes time. Luckily, using psychology research-based techniques in a persistent manner, you can modify your negative bias. 

1.     Identify and recognise your negative thinking patterns.

Us humans, tend to take our own thoughts extremely serious and believe them. For example, we can take a problem and convince ourselves it’s the worst thing that could ever happen to us, and we tend to believe it so strongly that it affects our mood and behaviour; it can turn into stress, fear, shame, unworthiness, anxiety, etc. In reality, our “big” problem could have an easy fix, and all the energy and time spent on it was not worth it. As Tony Robbins explains, a problem always seems big until you compare it to something even worse i.e. losing your job seems the worst thing ever, until you compare it to losing your 10-year savings; losing a leg seems tragic, until you compare it with having a terminal disease – you get my point. It’s all about perspective. 

Tip: Step back from the negative thoughts: Try this the next time you have a chore to do, instead of saying “I have to do this”, say “I get to do this”. See how your energy and mood changes! Most times, we tend to ask the wrong question: “Why is this happening to me?“ instead of asking “What can I learn from this?“

2.     Name it to tame it

This is a simple, extremely effective, tested technique proposed by Daniel Siegel, a clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA and director of the Mindsight institute. Often people may seem in a continuous wrestle with pushing away the negative thoughts. A quick and easy method is to name the emotion you’re experiencing when you have negative thoughts. 

For example, from time to time I would get these negative thoughts that I am not good enough at my job, soon they will realise this, I will get fired and so on. When this happens, I realise it is the Impostor Syndrome  episode kicking in, and I would say to myself “Ahh, the Impostor Syndrome again” or “Self-doubt kicked in” and I try to let go-I remind myself it is simply a thought, not a reality, insecurity is a waste of time, and that me giving energy to it is a waste of time, worrying about it won’t change anything! 

Tip: Try to do this in a kind, peaceful voice tone. This will allow a stream of soothing neurotransmitters in the brain and will train your mind into new neural pathways of ease.

3.     Stay in the present

Our negative thoughts arise either from thinking about the past or the future, rarely about the present moment. Gestalt therapy explains how important this actually is. Instead of focusing on past experiences, focus on the way it makes you feel in the present moment, bring your past experiences to the present.  

Mark Williams from Oxford University explained that the key is not to stop your thoughts, but to shift your attention to your sensory experience-this is similar to mindfulness practice-be aware of your surroundings (the sounds, the smells), your skin contact to objects or the air. Of course this is not something you can constantly do, but it can be a quick and easy fix whenever you find yourself in negative thoughts. 

Tip: The simplest thing you can do to anchor yourself in the present moment is to take deep breaths and focus on the sensations in your body. You will notice that it has a calming effect so we can say it has a double purpose as it comes in very handy in stressful situations. It usually helps if you count to 4 on both inhale and exhale. Try it out! 

Psychology textbooks teach us two individual advantages of over confident people: it feels great even if you are delusional, and that delusion can help “trick other people”. BUT, there is a catch! Some scientists argue that there is a negative side to the positive thinking. Psychologist Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic found only 10% correlation between competence and confidence. This explains why overconfident people have more car accidents, suffer from compulsive psychological gambling disorder, and are engaged in activities that cause major health threats: smoking, drug use, compulsive eating- people who are in denial of their addiction and believe the harmful effects will happen to others but not to themselves. Also, overconfidence will develop a narcissistic society where we mistake confidence with competence. This is one of the reasons why many teenagers are so obsessed with being famous.

On top of this, arrogant and overconfident employees are commonly promoted to managerial levels and this is one of the reasons why there are not enough women in leadership roles: women tend to be more modest and under confident. 

So, maybe it’s better to see the glass half empty?

There are certain key adaptational benefits to having low confidence. Low  confidence can be explained as a threat detection signal that tells you not do a certain thing.

A lot of people suffer from low confidence because of the discrepancy of the person you want to be and the person you think you are. So, what is the solution? Try reducing the discrepancy by working on becoming better, not by reading quotes or self-help books that tell you: you shouldn’t be worrying about your self esteem, that you’re great, that you should not care what other people are thinking. Of course, there’s a time and place for that too, but we have to recognise that growth and self development is continuous and we should always acknowledge that we don’t know everything – in other words – there’s always room for improvement! 

More importantly, low confidence keeps us modest and humble. What’s so great about being modest and humble? Well for one it keeps us attentive to negative feedback: makes us more coachable and also more likeable.  

As I mentioned at the beginning of this article, the key is to find the right balance for you. As you’re probably aware by now, there is always a good and bad side to everything. Prepare for the worst, but never forget to live in the moment and enjoy things as they come.  

And remember, it’s all about perspective and how we choose to see things. As Charles Swindoll puts it

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it

Would love to hear YOUR thoughts! What do you tend to do when you negativity takes over? Leave a comment below

Author: Ingrid Constantin

Did you know that 85% of the things we worry about never happen?

University of Cincinnati researchers found that even out of the 15% of the things that do happen, 79% of subjects discovered either they could handle the difficulty better than expected, or they’ve learned a particular lesson that needed to be taught (Goewey & Jampolsky (2014) in “Four Steps to rewire your brain”)

Despite this, fear has to be the number one thing that is stopping most of us from unlocking our true potential and push past our self imposed limitation. Yet, as Jack Carnfield puts it:

Everything we want is on the other side of fear.  

So where does this whole fear thing come from? According to Smithsonianmag.com, “Fear starts in the brain and spreads through the body to make adjustments for the best defence, or flight reaction. The fear response starts in a region of the brain called the amygdala. This almond-shaped set of nuclei in the temporal lobe of the brain is dedicated to detecting the emotional salience of the stimuli – how much something stands out to us”. However, in our modern world, most times our fears are not related to us running away from danger and yet, the same stress signals are sent to our body. And if we don’t internalise this emotionally and become aware of it, it can be really hard to react in a calm manner during those moments of fear.

It is said that human beings are born with 2 fears: the fear of falling forward and the fear of loud noises. Somehow, throughout life, we acquire so many underlying fears that we’re not even able to clearly identify where exactly they come from. Most of them are being passed on from generation to generation like a family tradition and some are cultivated over time either due to our environment or our own self limiting beliefs.

The list of fears is so long but I’ll attempt to mention a few that I find are most common: fear of public speaking, fear of failure, rejection, not being good enough, loneliness, death, being ridiculed, sickness, flying, and as strange as it might sound, we even fear success.

Fear and I have had a long-lasting relationship and not the great kind, more like an affliction, for lack of a better word. Needless to say, it has stopped me from pursuing a lot of things sooner. Combine that with perfectionism and boom, you have the perfect perfect combo for procrastination! However, as a recovering perfectionist, I discovered that done is better than perfect and that progression beats perfection every day of the week. The fear of not being good enough or feeling like an impostor might creep back from time to time and that’s perfectly normal. But my fear of regretting not having taken opportunities and living my best life, is greater than any other fears and it’s what pushes me forward – go figure the irony!

As a result, overcoming my fears, is what got me to where I am today and will, undoubtedly, be what will propel things further. My hope is that by sharing my experience, some things will resonate with you and will, hopefully, inspire you to take action, particularly if you want to change things in your life right now and not quite sure where to start. 

For as long as I remember I wanted to start my own business but couldn’t define exactly what I wanted to do. If you’d asked me when I was 14: What do you want to be when you grow up? (a better question might be “who do you want to be?“ – but that’s another topic for another day), I’d tell you I want to travel and run my own business. My spiel would sound like this: I’ll study in Bucharest (I am originally from a small town in the south of Romania), go for a study exchange in the UK for 6 months, finish my degree and return to the UK for a Masters degree and carry on living there. Needless to say, most people would smile politely once they’ve heard my well rehearsed spiel and I am pretty sure some of them thought I was delusional. Yet, this is exactly what I did. I didn’t know how that was going to happen but I knew it was what I wanted.

But for some reason, we go through life losing this child-like naivety. I know I did once I reached this milestone and started a new life in the UK. Fast forward to the last few years, though I had a great job, plenty of freedom and autonomy, something was missing. And especially last year this nagging feeling that I could do so much more and that I am not actually living my most authentic life (I know, could it get more corny than this?) was becoming stronger and stronger.

The natural next step was, of course, to quit work so I can finally get started on this journey of entrepreneurship (typing this makes me cringe a little as I don’t consider myself an entrepreneur, or at least not yet!). Spoiler alert: it is not as glamorous as people make it sound. It’s more like a rollercoaster of emotions: some days you might be super hyped whereas others you feel like you’re plodding along trying to take at least one productive action step so you can cross off your endless to do list at least one thing. And other days you might go back into what I call “procastilearning” (you research and read and read some more as you go down the rabbit hole of reading just one more article) – I’d have to tell you I am a master at that!

In the course of preparing for this journey, my long lasting lover, fear, was saying: Who do you think you are? You need to learn more, you need some certificates to qualify you, you might read a lot and you’ve grown a lot but maybe you’re not enough right now? What are people who know you going to say? Everyone is going to look at you and think you’re mad etc. And after a few dialogues, it dawned on me that the key is to start before you’re ready, as so many people who have attempted and succeeded at great things have done. Action is motivating; small successes are encouraging and usually bring new opportunities. 

If you find yourself at this crossroad, whatever is that you want to achieve is important to ask these simple questions:

If I don’t take action now will I regret it? And if I don’t take action now will I be happy doing what I do for another year? If you answer no to the latter, then it’s time you come up with a contingency plan (I will explain below)

And perhaps some follow up questions can be:

Why not you and why not now? And what if this is the greatest opportunity you will get?

These questions as simple as they might sound as are the some of the most powerful ones we can ask in moments like this.

But before you do anything and take any decisions, you have to take a super important first step:

Define your values

What I mean by that is take some time to consider: What’s important to you? Do you value family time, time with friends, travelling, how do you think about money? Being super clear on your values will come in particularly helpful especially during times of struggle. As soon as you do that, it will be so much easier to block the outside noise and focus on what’s really important to you. Don’t let other people’s values dictate yours too, because yours might be completely different than theirs. 

And yes, we all want material things so, no you can’t choose money as your value.

Once you’ve done that, you might find helpful to do the following:

Create a fear list

The concept of “fear setting“ which I’ve learned from Tim Ferriss is a lot better than any goal setting exercise you might go through. In his Ted talk , Tim shares how thinking of worst case scenarios and coming up with a contingency plan has been one of the exercises that has helped him overcome some of the hardest challenges he’s faced in business and life. And it has been by far one of the best lessons for me. I tend to use “What’s the worst case scenario?“ as one of my mantras now whenever fear creeps in.

Finances are super important

You need to know what’s the minimum you can live off so you know what you’re cutting out – Give yourself a cushion of at least 5 months – so if you’re unable to find work for 5 months you still have money to pay bills etc because nothing good comes out when you’re stressing about the essentials.

Do the regret test

As I mentioned earlier to me regret is a killer. The fear of not living my best life and missing out on opportunities is greater than all other fears together. A few years ago, I discovered a woman called Bronnie Ware who worked with people in palliative care and had a access first hand to the regrets of the dying. I find it powerful and a real eye opener!

Realise everyone has fears & take action anyway 

As Jeff Haden puts it in the “Motivation myth”

Anyone hoping to achieve great things gets nervous. Anyone trying to achieve great things gets scared. To succeed, you don’t have to be braver than other people; you just need to find the strength to keep moving forward. Fear is paralysing, but action creates confidence and self-assurance.”

And finally I want to share my most important learnings from these last few months. 

It’s all about mindset and perspective

It sounds simple but I have a theory that we overlook the simple things because we expect a magic pill, we want someone to tell us how to do it, to give us all the tricks and hacks but in reality it’s just a lot of hard work, trying things out, failing, failing some more, getting back up, iterating your ideas and being resilient. And the hardest thing is to believe that things will work out, especially when it seems unlikely…. I’m pretty sure you’re familiar with this quote by Henry Ford “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t–you’re right.“

It all comes down to the way you choose to see life. Every morning we wake up we have two options: 1) You wake up with a grateful heart, put a smile on your face and spread out positive vibes or 2) You are negative and choose to see the wrong in the world and act like life owes you something. In both cases, you influence yourself and those around you with your energy. Last time I checked, no one wants to be around someone negative for a long time. It is as simple as that!

Focus on giving rather than receiving

If you focus on how you can help other people everyone else will want to help you, opportunities come your way as reciprocity law applies. Too many times we’re so focused on our own agendas but when you switch your focus to helping others, opportunities will follow suit. Don’t take my word for it as I realise it sounds like a fluffy concept. Test it for yourself!

Learn to say no

Oh the joys of shinny new object syndrome! Saying NO to opportunities that are not aligned with your goals and values it’s one of the best things you can do. This will allow space and energy for the opportunities and things that really matter to you – yes you might lose people along the way and that’s absolutely fine. At the same time, it will also save you a lot of energy for the projects that are important and relevant to you. 

Block the noise and do you

As Nike famously says: Just do it! There’s no magic pixie fairy dust you need to sprinkle on, you just need to have a killer work ethic and be prepared to work with no complaints. At the same time, realise people will always have opinions but in this case is particularly good if you don’t listen to what everyone says – especially if they have values that are completely different than yours.

I absolutely love constructive criticism – I mean no one likes to be criticised – but if you don’t get that you don’t progress. So, as a general rule of thumb, listen to the people who have also gone through the same process or are going through the same process or achieving big things, people who are also in the arena because it’s easy to give advice when you sit on the other side of the fence whereas it’s a completely different game when you’re in the arena. 

I want to end this by leaving you with one of my favourite paragraphs of all times. I came across it by listening to Brene Brown but it’s actually from a Theodore Roosevelt speech “Man in the arena” 

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

Would love to hear from YOU! leave a comment below

What’s one action step you can start taking today to help you move forward? Small steps forward are better than no steps forward 😉

Author: Ionela Spinu

Do you ever say to yourself: “I am waiting to get motivated before I do x“

If you’ve ever thought that or are thinking it right now, I hate to break it to you but motivation is not going to strike anytime soon.

Whenever I hear people say I need to get motivated, before I do x or y, the first thing that comes in my head is “Motivation is so fickle, you’ll end up not achieving your goals”. (Ask me how I know?)

In reality, motivation never strikes as such. I mean you might experience a motivation burst for a few minutes, hours, sometimes days but that’s about it. When we think about the things we want to do, most times is even hard having to think about them. I am sure you felt inspired, even motivated seeing an inspirational quote, hearing a motivational talk or seeing Tony Robbins but if you’re honest with yourself you know that a few hours after or the next day, you completely forgot about it. As a matter of fact, nothing happens without taking action….action towards achieving small successes will keep the momentum going. Because you will get motivated when seeing the results after a few weeks, months, years…that’s a fact. Take for example exercising and healthy eating – you feel good when you notice the results or feel more energised or learning a new language and get excited you can string a sentence together.

Most people hope they will be handed the magic pill that will keep them motivated. Ultimately, it comes down to these two words: Hard work and a lot of commitment towards achieving your goals.

Any person who has achieved success in her or his life, hasn’t done so without a strong work ethic, tonnes of resilience and of course failing big at one thing (or a lot of things) until they became an overnight success. You’ve probably noticed most people who we’d consider a huge success and who look like they are always motivated have had to overcome some type of struggle.

To this extent, the perfect recipe for motivation looks as following:

• Overcome a challenge
• Work hard so you can achieve small successes
• One success leads to another…
• ….But sometimes you fail/learn
• And in the process you become more resilient and…you guessed it… more motivated!

As Jeff Haden puts it in “The motivation myth”:

The key (to motivation) is to enjoy small, seemingly minor successes—but on a regular basis”

And if you’re wondering How to have the most productive mindset ever here are some of my favourite tips from the Motivation myth:

1. Stop making excuses for doing less“If you want to succeed, you can’t make excuses. Forge ahead. Establishing great habits takes considerable time and effort. Success and achievement are habits, and it’s incredibly easy to instantly create a bad habit by giving in, even just once.Plus, the moment you make an excuse for doing less is the moment you stop the virtuous cycle of motivation in its tracks. Without achievement, there is no motivation. There are just excuses.”
2. Stop letting disapproval, or even scorn, stand in your way Every successful person has faced tremendous criticism and rejection. When you’re doing things differently, you will stand out from the crowd and you will be criticised and even judged. Everyone will have an opinion about how you should do things. Pleasing everyone around you won’t bring you the success and happiness you seek, so if you want to succeed just do you, play by your own rules and work hard to build those habits that will make you stand out from the crowd.
3. Stop letting fear hold you back I believe everyone can relate to this and understand it very well. We’re all afraid of so many things, we’re probably even unaware of how many fears we have deep down. The truth is fear might never completely go away but I would much rather try and fail than live with the regret of not trying. As Jeff Haden puts it, “Anyone hoping to achieve great things gets nervous. Anyone trying to achieve great things gets scared.To succeed, you don’t have to be braver than other people; you just need to find the strength to keep moving forward. Fear is paralysing, but action creates confidence and self-assurance.”
4. Stop waiting for inspiration Inspiration (same as motivation) never actually strikes. Most people wait for the perfect idea, they believe there’s a certain inspiration muse that will descend upon them and show them a new way or concept. And they wait and wait and wait…and nothing happens. Occasionally great ideas might come to you but most times creativity is just the result of effort, hard work, trying out an idea and failing and then failing some more, experimenting, iteration of a certain concept etc. If you keep waiting for inspiration you will be left hanging. Instead try doing, taking action, trying out different ideas, until it evolves to an idea is a lot better than the initial one.
5. Stop turning down the help you need “No one knows everything. No one is great at everything. Yet most people soldier on and hope effort will overcome a lack of knowledge or skill. And it does, but only to a point.” (The Motivation Myth)Asking for help is a sign of great strength and it’s definitely key to achieving a lot more and learning so much more. The key is to detach from your ego and become extremely coachable. As soon as you’re able to do that, you become pretty unstoppable as you’re willing to find the best answer no matter where it comes from and that in itself it’s pretty powerful.
6. Stop stopping – This point has to be my favourite, pretty simple and straight forward and yet so powerful

Successful people finish—unless there’s a very, very good reason not to finish, which, of course, there almost never is.

Author: Ionela Spinu

“How we spend our days,” Annie Dillard memorably wrote in her soul-stretching meditation on the life of presence, “is, of course, how we spend our lives.” And yet most of us spend our days in what Kierkegaard believed to be our greatest source of unhappiness — a refusal to recognise that “busy is a decision” and that presence is infinitely more rewarding than productivity. I frequently worry that being productive is the surest way to lull ourselves into a trance of passivity and busyness the greatest distraction from living, as we coast through our lives day after day, showing up for our obligations but being absent from our selves, mistaking the doing for the being.

I figured this powerful reminder from Maria Popova would be the best starting point when it comes to reflecting on what’s really important.

The truth is we, mistakenly, reward the busy culture. I don’t know about you, but reframing things this way makes me feel anxious, my brain immediately thinks “busy” equals unfocused and therefore, I won’t get much done and I am somehow falling behind. And this goes for both my personal or business life.

As Derek Sivers, nicely puts it: “To me, ‘busy’ implies that the person is out of control of their life.”

To top it up, this leads to an elevation in our cortisol levels which in turn leads to stress. And though some form of stress is actually good for you, constantly experiencing acute or chronic stress has a negative impact in our lives, especially if left unaddressed.

So how can you make stress your friend and reframe your situation?

I now base my life on this quote “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% the way you react to it”  (Charles R. Swindoll) – I love this so much that I had it printed and it sits on my fridge as a daily reminder.

And this brings me to my core idea – It’s all about mindset & perspective.

Let me say that again: ANYTHING WE DO IN LIFE BOILS DOWN TO MINDSET AND PERSPECTIVE

I am the first one to admit that when you’re in a stressful situation it’s really hard to stop and ponder, our reptilian brain takes control and …we all know how that goes. But I can also tell you that in time and with practice you can become better at managing stressful situations and even manage to keep your cool (Yes, really!)

In order to understand our stressors and how to effectively manage them, we’d also need to understand there are a few different types of stress and they are not all bad.

Good Stress

So-called “good stress,” or what psychologists refer to as “eustress,” is the type of stress we feel when we are excited. Our pulse quickens, our hormones change, but there is no threat or fear. We feel this type of stress when we ride a roller coaster, about to get a promotion, build a business, or go on a first date. There are many triggers for this good stress, and it keeps us feeling alive and excited about life. For example, research shows that when an event is perceived as a “threat,” we respond to it differently than if it’s seen as a “challenge.” Threats tend to elicit a greater stress response from us and create greater levels of anxiety. Challenges, on the other hand, can be exciting, and even enjoyable to overcome. Threats are scary, while challenges are opportunities to prove ourselves and learn how much we’re capable of accomplishing when we really try.

Acute Stress

Another type of stress is acute stress. It comes from quick surprises that need a response. Acute stress triggers the body’s stress response as well, but the triggers aren’t always happy and exciting. This is what we normally think of as “stress.” Acute stress in itself doesn’t take a heavy toll if we find ways to relax quickly. Once the stressor has been dealt with, we need to return our body to homeostasis, or its pre-stress state, to be healthy and happy.

Chronic Stress

The type of stress we really have to worry about is chronic stress. This type of stress comes when we repeatedly face stressors that take a heavy toll and feel inescapable. A stressful job or an unhappy life can bring chronic stress. This is what we normally think of as serious stress. Because our bodies aren’t designed for chronic stress, we can face negative health effects (both physical and emotional) if we deal with chronic stress for an extended period of time.

How understanding eustress can help

Understanding eustress can help us to more easily manage other types of stress as well. This understanding reminds us that we can view many of the stressors in our lives as challenges rather than threats merely by changing how we talk to ourselves about the challenges and by focusing on the resources we have to handle these challenges rather than focusing on what may go wrong and how damaging that would be. When we work on shifting our perspective and approaching stress as a challenge, whenever possible, we can manage the situation more easily and handle these stressors without a feeling of complete overwhelm.

Trying to approach various stressors in life as we’d approach eustress enables us to manage that stress more easily.

That said, while eustress doesn’t generally carry the same type of damage as chronic stress, too much eustress can still be taxing on your system. So even when you have a schedule filled with “fun” activities, you can feel overloaded and stressed by too much eustress if you’re not allowing yourself to relax and give yourself a well deserved restorative downtime. A balance between work activities and fun activities is important, but a balance of eustress and leisure is also an important focus. Changing one’s perspective can certainly help with stress management, but it’s not the only way to manage stress, and it’s not the only strategy that should be used. If you have too many challenges in your life, even eustress can become chronic stress and lead to burnout or worse. That’s why it’s important to be mindful of where your limitations are and workout where you can cut down. It might mean that you need to say No more often to things that don’t particularly bring joy or you don’t enjoy doing.

This takes practice but it can make all the difference in your stress levels.

What’s important to acknowledge is this: You will inevitably get stressed, especially when it comes to the things that you care about. Maybe you’re presenting in front of people (this is literally me right now!) or you’re building a new product, managing a huge project, managing a big team or have an important deadline etc. One question that I always tend to ask in any situation and particularly in a stressful one is: What can I learn from this? I believe most time we tend to ask the wrong question: Why is this happening to me? – which can bring further stress or is not particularly helpful in this scenario.

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So with this question in mind, here are a few things you can consider today do better manage stress

1. Reframe the situation, shift your perspective Next time a stressful situation arises ask yourself: What I can I learn from this? Put those answers on paper (iPhone/Macbook notes for my techie people out there). I prefer to write it down and then structure my ideas in Notes – you get the point, whatever floats your boat. Once your reframe the situation by asking this question, it will actually help you see the opportunities a stressful situation might present.
2. Focus on what you can control The main stressor is usually the fact that more often than not we focus on things that we cannot control and play those scenarios on repeat in our head. All we actually achieve by doing that is causing more stress and anxiety and most times blowing the situation out of proportion. So I will say it again focus on the things you can change (hint: you can’t change outcomes, people, especially what other people say or do). It might be your own attitude and behaviour – especially if you’re a leader – the way you respond will influence the rest of your team. And remember when you stress out you also impact those around you. As Daniel Goleman – Emotional intelligence puts it, we always influence those around us with our own emotions. So be the leader who chooses to focus on the things you can control.As an exercise try this – Think of a stressful situation you’re dealing with right now and write down a list of things you can control and a list of things that are out of your control – you will instantly feel a bit more in control of the situation.
3. Action trumps perfection and fear Take action to stop the paralysing fear. We are all too familiar with the way our reptilian brain will react in situations that are very stressful and most times that fear can leave us paralysed, I know for a fact as I have been in that situation many time before. So take action, take one small step in the direction that scares you. What’s one small action step you can take today towards achieving your bigger goal?Take 5 minutes and write down 3 action steps you can take this week/month in order to help you move forward
4. Surround yourself with positive people I can’t stress enough the importance of having around you or in your team people that are positive, resilient and can keep their cool in stressful situations. I don’t know about you but I absolutely dislike being in a stressful situation when on top of having to deal with my own emotions, asses and manage the situation, I need to also calm down everyone around me. I am big on creating a culture that rewards and promotes positivity. So choose your people wisely. When you build such a positive environment it’s actually hard to get dragged into a pity party because you’re working alongside individuals who have a positive outlook on life, hence they will have a much healthier approach to a stressful situation. And of course, the same goes for your personal life.

For those of you who want to dive deeper in other practices, here are some things that have helped me massively:

Exercising –  Not only it releases endorphins and dopamine but it’s also good for boosting your immunity system and will help you feel more energised.

I swear by yoga and meditation – they go hand in hand for me but you can pick one to get started – there’s a misunderstanding that meditating means keeping your mind completely empty of thoughts which is not accurate; you can always start with 2 minutes a day. It’s been scientifically proven that meditation boosts your brain’s neuroplasticity – a process that helps our brain create new neural connections throughout life – I totally recommend reading Rewire your brain for love by Marsha Lucas

Journaling can also be a powerful tool especially when going through stressful situations as it allows you to empty your mind.

Keeping a personal journal a daily in-depth analysis and evaluation of your experiences is a high-leverage activity that increases self-awareness and enhances all the endowments and the synergy among them. Stephen R. Covey

What’s one action step you can take today to resolve a stressful situation? Pop your answer in the comments below 😊

Author: Ionela Spinu